She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
