Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
worst night to have a conscience
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize