I am puke
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Randomize
