Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
