I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
