I wish I could teleport
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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