Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
