I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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