I want to stick my p in your. b.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
They have beer where we have blood.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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