She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Randomize
