There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
time to smoke my breakfast
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
