Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
