I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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