Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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