Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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