can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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