tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
