Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
