The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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