I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
