im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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