Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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