All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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