I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
