new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Randomize
