I am puke
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
