My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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