Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
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