I think I just saw someone hide a body.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
