everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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