i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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