i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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