So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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