You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
