ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
