John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
