Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
