So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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