omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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