You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
