Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
