I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
