everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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