I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
