this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
