The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
