i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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