Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
