I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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