i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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