i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
