seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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