my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize