i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
