apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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