Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i wish my penis had a tongue
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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