My cat gives me a boner
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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