I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
