I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I puked a lego.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
