im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
