you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
