There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
not ubering you a puppy
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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