man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
