i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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