I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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