I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
this is an emotional support booty call
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
