A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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