Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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