dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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